The In-Between Phase

There is a period during long-term illness that is difficult to describe.

You are not as ill as you used to be.

But you are not well either.

Something has changed. Your mind is working better. You start noticing more, thinking more and wanting more.

But your body is not there yet.

This is the in-between phase.

When You Start Coming Back

When you are very ill, much of life disappears from your awareness.

There is your body and whatever needs to be managed right now.

Then something starts to change.

Your thoughts become clearer. You start becoming interested in things again. You may suddenly have an idea, want to do something or start thinking beyond what is absolutely necessary.

That is a big change.

But it can also be incredibly frustrating.

Because your mind may feel much healthier than your body.

I Want To. But I Still Can't.

This may be one of the strangest parts of the in-between phase.

The desire to do things comes back before the ability to do them.

You start wanting to do things your body still cannot manage.

They can be small things.

Walk further.

Spend more time outside.

See someone.

Finish something you started.

Or they can be bigger things.

Work.

Travel.

Create.

Change your life.

Suddenly, there are things you want to use your day for.

And at the same time, you still have a body that can stop you.

It is easy to become impatient.

Because when your mind wakes up, it wants to get your whole life moving again.

Your body has not received the same message.

The Old Measure No Longer Works

Another difficult part is that you still remember who you used to be.

Your body and mind remember what an ordinary day used to contain.

You know how much you used to get done.

How far you could walk.

How long you could keep going.

How little planning ordinary things required.

It is easy to use that person as your measure.

But it is a pretty brutal measure when your body is still trying to come back.

What feels like a lot today may once have been almost nothing.

But today, it is still a lot.

When a Good Day Fools You

Then a better day comes along.

And it can feel amazing.

You recognise yourself.

You get things done.

Maybe you think: this is it. Things have finally turned around.

So you do more.

And only afterwards do you realise that your body was not quite as convinced.

It is difficult to learn a body that no longer responds the way it used to.

How much is enough?

When should you keep going?

When should you stop?

What is ordinary tiredness, and what means that you have actually had enough?

There is no little gauge on your arm telling you.

You have to learn over time.

When Life Starts to Feel Interesting Again

Something else happens during the in-between phase.

Life outside illness starts to have colour again.

You may start caring about things that felt completely unimportant when you were more ill.

What you want to do.

Where you want to be.

Who you want to see.

What you miss.

What you are tired of.

What you actually long for.

It can feel wonderful and difficult at the same time.

Because longing is easier when your body can come with you.

When it cannot, the distance between the life you want and the life you can manage becomes very clear.

Who Am I Now?

After a long time with illness, it is not always obvious that you simply go back to who you were before.

You may not even want to.

Something has happened along the way.

You have lived differently.

Seen different things.

Lost things.

Discovered things.

At the same time, you do not need some big answer about who you have become.

You can be right in the middle of it.

Still ill.

Much better.

Happy about what is coming back.

Angry about what still does not work.

All at the same time.

Building a Life While You Are Still Rebuilding Your Body

Maybe that is what makes the in-between phase so unusual.

Life starts again before your body is ready.

You cannot wait to live until some magical day when everything works perfectly.

But you cannot pretend your body is already there either.

So you try.

A little more activity.

Then rest.

Something enjoyable.

A quieter day afterwards.

One plan that works.

Another that has to change.

Over time, you begin to understand what this body can manage now.

Not the body you had before.

The one you are actually living in.